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By Dr. Zev Ballen
Since I became religious, more than twenty years ago, I've lost touch with much of my extended secular family. The familiar faces and voices of my childhood have either died or faded away. Yesterday's news came from a 'lost cousin.' She read about the death of a mutual relative of ours who lives in her city. No one had notified her of his passing. She caught it in the obituary section of her local newspaper. She considered herself fortunate to have found the funeral in time. She sent me a professional email. I was sad to hear the news; but at least she seemed to be advancing at the firm.
On another occasion, someone else in my family died and, for a while, no one seemed to know about it. At least one person I know knew, but he wouldn't go to the funeral. He said he wasn't invited. Several times, after a death, I've had the opportunity to speak with 'lost relatives' who I haven't seen for a real long time. It felt good to re-connect then, and remember that I had a life before becoming religious . It also felt good to disconnect after hearing all the gossip: One 'lost relative' became a "bitter old man"; another 'lost relative' lost his wife and remarried an 'absolute shrew'; another 'lost relative' died without leaving a will for his only son; and still another 'lost relative' was caught cheating in business and was made into a villain on the web. As we spoke, I felt the guilt that survivors feel mixed with relief that it wasn't me. "Do you still exercise?" "Have you had your pancreas checked yet?" We encouraged each other to avoid getting sad.
Why was I getting sad? The answer is that my uncle's death put me in touch with my own mortality - which is a mistake because I'm not dying - nobody dies. Maybe I never really knew this. How could it be that I wouldn't know about eternal life after being Orthodox for all these years? Let me tell you about a famous Rebba who came to me, ostensibly for insomnia. He couldn't fall asleep. Do you want to know why? It was because he was so afraid to die. By day, he was 'the Rebba', but at night he sat awake in his chair, terrified to lie down and fall asleep. The Rebba told me he had read most of the holy books on the subject of death but it had not helped. He was at a loss to explain it. I wondered about that too. I guess that the Rebba's knowledge about eternal life was something that he learned about, like most of us, in an academic way. We can't really know anything about a subject that we learn academically. It's like reading books about dieting, or how to love other people, but still not knowing how to do it. You can read a book many times and even commit it to memory but not understand anything it says.
When do I really understand something? Continue here...
Wishing You Blessings Always,
Dr. Zev Ballen
By Dr. Zev Ballen
“I HATE CIGARETTES!”
That’s just about as subtle as I can be on the subject.
So of course, when my wife found a cigarette in our teenage son’s room, I felt justified in acting like an idiot.
After all:
I know the health statistics; he doesn’t.
I saw people die from smoking ; he didn’t.
I led private and corporate smoking cessation seminars ; he didn’t.
I was exposed to a western anti-smoking media blitz; he wasn’t.
So I planned a strategy that would be full proof; a zealous crusade to save my dear son. I didn’t know it yet, but my zealotry was nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to manipulate my son into being the person that I want him to be.
Starting before he left for Yeshiva in the morning (6:30am) and from the moment he returned at night (9:15pm), I began to bombard him with all of the mortality statistics, anti-smoking pictures and frightening stories that I could find. He literally got up and went to sleep with me in his face; ranting and raving about the evil habit and the peers who had influenced him to smoke in the first place.
To my utter amazement, he still wouldn’t stop.
I was incredulous… beyond rage. How ironic, that despite having worked with hundreds if not a thousand smokers, I was failing so miserably with my own son. I agonized further:
“Why didn’t he come to me…now he was hooked..…I thought we had a great relationship… why didn’t he let me help him.”
My mind raced: “if he’ll defy me to smoke, what else will he defy me to do?”
Lucky for him I’m not a single parent. My wife and I sat down. She said: “You know you’re going to have to back off. You’re only making things worse with your tirades. Zev, you know he’s a great kid. So he’s smoking a little.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. My blood pressure surged. “So he’s smoking a little?” I repeated back (raising the volume a bit).
“Look Zev. He is going to stop, but not because you demand him too. We’re in Israel now. It’s just a fact that he sees a lot of his friends smoking. As long as you stay angry at him you can forget about having any part in the solution. Do me a favor and from now on, just stay out of it. Leave it to me!”
I knew that she was right. I (the big smoking expert) was nothing but an impediment.
So I kept my mouth shut and he stopped the next day!
Shabbos came, and I started to calm down. But I was still uneasy about the way that I had behaved. I went outside to check-in with Hashem:
“Hashem, what happened here? It was so out-of-character for my son to smoke cigarettes. I must have done something to displease You. Please help me to see what’s going on. I know that You were telling me something, but the sound of my own will, once again drowned out Your message. I’m sorry. Show me, please, what I need to learn from this.”
I walked back home feeling better. Coming into the living room, I saw my son sitting on the couch. He’s 16.
Smiling warmly, he said “Tatti (father) can we talk?”
Humbled but relieved I said: “sure.”
“Did mommy tell you that I stopped smoking?”
“Yes, she did.”
“And do you know why I stopped Tatti (father).”
“No I don’t.”
“I didn’t want to smoke in the first place, but once I started, it was hard to stop. Half my class smokes. I only had two or three a day. I really did try to stop but I couldn’t.”
“That’s ok, I understand.”
“But if it’s so hard to stop smoking how can you be sure that you’re finished with them now?”
“Tatti (father), now that you’re not so angry, I’m sure I can stop, because I see how much it hurts you for me to smoke.”
“I’m sorry, for the way that I handled this too, son. I want you to know how much nachas (loving pride) I get from you. I thank Hashem every day for giving me a son like you.”
As time went by, I realized that my concern about what others thought about ME having a kid who smokes was at least equal to or greater than my concern about his health. It didn’t fit into my image of the Torah Scholar that I want my son to be or the type of shidduch (marriage) I hope for him to get.
I now see that my fears (which were unfounded) were also quite selfish. Perhaps all fears are selfish because they lead to a preoccupation with ME, ME, ME. It would be much better, next time, if I could focus, as my wife did, on my son’s needs and on serving Hashem.
Thank G-d I finally got the message.
Since my pride was my stumbling block, here, I hope that my writing about it openly will be pleasing to Hashem.
When I asked my son for his permission to print our story, he asked me:
“Tatti (father) will this help other father’s to treat their son’s better?”
“I sure hope it will, son.”
Amen.
At the tomb of Rachel, wife of the great sage Rabbi Akiva located south of Tiberias.
The story of Rachel and Rabbi Akiva is one of the greatest love stories of all time. When the couple met, Akiva was a 40 year old illiterate pauper working as a shepard for Rachel's wealthy father. Rachel, who possessed extraordinary wisdom, saw Akiva's great potential and married him on the condition that he learn Torah despite her father's threat to disown her.
When Rabbi Akiva returned to Rachel, after having achieved greatness in learning, they had been separated for 24 years. Giving credit to his wife for his success, he told his students: "Mine and yours are hers."
We see from this story that a wise woman draws her husband closer to the Torah. By encouraging her husband to learn Torah, a woman fulfills her responsibility to spiritually build the home. Women possess a wisdom called binah in Hebrew as in bniyah (building). King Solomon, the wisest of all men said (Proverbs 14:1): "Women's wisdom built her home." Rabbi Arush points out that the verse does not say, "A wise man built his home."
Wishing you Blessings Always,
Dr. Zev Ballen
By Dr. Zev Ballen
Let’s see what the Torah says about spreading emuna. G-d said to Abraham “…I will make you the father of a multitude of nations.” Here we see that G-d’s intention for Abraham was not limited to converting people to Judaism. G-d saw that Abraham possessed the unique spiritual DNA to do far more than that. Hashem appointed Abraham to be the father of the world – not just Israel. G-d’s covenant with Abraham was to develop a nation – Israel – who would spread faith in monotheism - so that a “multitude” of nations will know Him and live by His fundamental principles.
The prophet Yeshayahu writes, “I will set you for a covenant to the people, for a light to the nations.” This was G-d’s sole intention for the Jewish people and the reason that we were created - to spread emuna in Hashem to the nations of the world.
Continue from the beginning...
Wishing you Blessings Always,
Dr. Zev Ballen
By Dr. Zev Ballen
My Rebbe, Rabbi Shalom Arush says that one of the most important things that we need to do is to cleanse our hearts from anger. It is easier to hate than to love, so what can we do? Shaindy is someone who feels caught in this dilemma right now.
She grew up in a religious home where nothing was real. Her father's constant yelling sapped the beauty from their lives, and left only the veneer of Judaism in their home and in their hearts. Nothing that Shaindy did was good enough or fast enough for her father, despite how hard she tried to please him. When she got married, Shaindy felt free for the first time in her life - but now due to circumstances beyond her control, she is once again living in her father's house - only this time with a husband and two children. Why is G-d doing this? What good will come from opening the wounds of her childhood?
Dear Father,
I want to introduce myself. I am your daughter, Shaindel. I have come back, maybe for the last time to be with you in the house of my youth. It is very painful for me here, but I'm learning that everything that Hashem does is for my absolute good. So I've asked myself. What possible good is there to hearing you yell and criticize everyone in this house? What good is it that I am acting like you toward my own children? What good is it for me to be feeling so angry and so frightened?
I want to share with you what I have learned from speaking to Hashem. It's very important for me to be here now. There are lots of skeletons in my closet. Of all your children, I was the most worried about not hurting you. We were all off the derech (not observant) but I hid it well. Now I'm the angriest of your children. Father, I'm just like you. I want to destroy. I want to ruin. I didn't realize this until recently. I was hiding it from myself - but that's not what Hashem wants. I need to stop hiding. Hashem doesn't want me to make aliyah now and continue to hide from my problems in Israel. Hashem knows that without you in my life, I would not work on myself. I would not uproot my anger and fix it once and for all.
Father, why do you hate for no reason? My husband's a good man. He believed in me when I didn't believe in myself and married me. He's helped me re-connect to being Jewish. Continue reading...
Have a great week!
Dr. Zev Ballen
By Dr. Zev Ballen
Shabbos is the best day of the week for mothers and fathers to be together with their children and teach the children to thank Hashem for everything. Rebbe Nachman discovered the importance of thanking Hashem for everything when he was a little boy. He was especially careful to add his own personal thanks to Hashem for each Shabbos food in addition to the Birchas HaMazon. This is something very special that you can teach your children too.
Make sure to finish your preparations for Shabbos early so that you and your kids can rest before Shabbos. This way you will have the energy and patience to stay up late with your children on Friday night. There is no better time to bring the Light of Holiness and joy into your home than singing Shabbos songs with your family. You can give out prizes to the kids who sing the most or help out the most. Use your time at the Shabbos table to demonstrate to your family how you thank Hashem for each of them by name. Bless each of your children and thank Hashem out loud for: your home, your spouse, the food, all that transpired during the week, for the holy Shabbos itself, for the time that you are about to spend together as a family and anything else you can think of.
Since everything comes from Hashem, there is no end to the things that we can teach the children to thank Him for. Shabbos is the best time to sit with your children and speak with them. Read the children's emuna books such as Nachman HaKatan and Yosef HaTzaddik with them; and be sure to make a copy of of this week's Shabbos Parsha Sheet: Download CSC NL Week 26 Beha'alotecha (2), so you can also read from it to your family at the table.
After you put your kids to bed and say the Shema with them, show them how to thank Hashem for what transpired during the week and request sweet dreams and a pleasant sleep from Hashem.
Remember, the main moral and spiritual education of your children is your happiness. Keep a smile on your face and have a beautiful family Shabbos!
Dr. Zev Ballen
