image credit: Lou_Tickle
There's a
businessman who's having a hard time. The recession has hit, and he's
overstocked on merchandise. All of a sudden, the business that he's been
building up for years starts sinking. In the meantime, he promised his wife a
certain standard of living when they got married, and now he can't deliver on
what he promised.
The problem didn't start with the business
sinking. The problem started right back at the beginning of the marriage, when
the man made a lot of mistakes and failed to treat his wife like an adult, and
a real partner in his life. He didn't share what's really going on in his life,
in his head, and make her feel important and significant and valued as a person
in her own right.
He figured he'd let his money do the
talking for him - which kind of worked when he had the money to give her. But
now? Now she's feeling left out and resentful and angry. As a result, she's
continuing to spend the money that they don't have - and that she doesn't even
really want to be spending!
Why is this happening?
It's happening because the husband is
failing to meet the wife's deeper needs. It looks like they are fighting over
the money, but really, that's a minor detail. When he's telling his wife that
they don't have the money, and he's having a go at her for overspending, what
he's really saying is that he feels his wife is somehow sabotaging him, and
that she doesn't want his efforts to turn things around economically to
succeed. He's telling her that she's making him feel as though he's a failure.
In return, the wife feels even less loved
and even more punished by her husband, and we have a classic vicious cycle, or
what we call the 'Crazy 8' pattern, which just keeps going round and round,
making both sides crazier and crazier.
No one can stand the pain and discomfort
and reinforced negativity of being in a 'Crazy 8' pattern for long. Let's
remember: they aren't really fighting about the money. Once the husband
realizes that his wife has some deeper needs that he hasn't been fulfilling
since way back when they first got married, he'll start trying to fulfil them.
And when he does, the money issue all but disappears. It's practically gone.
Why? Because now, the wife is receiving much more unconditional love and giving
from her husband. He's making an effort to be home for dinner more; to spend
more quality time with her and the kids, and to take the kids out more. He's
holding back all the critical remarks and anger and resentment that he
sometimes still feels. But even when those feelings well up, he's holding them
back - and that is making all the difference in the world to his relationship
with his wife.
He knows he's got a lot of mistakes to fix
from the beginning of the marriage, but with emuna, he can undo them all, very
quickly.
Deeper needs
The following 'deeper needs' are universal,
and apply to men, women, children and everyone:
- To feel loved and connected
- To be understood
- To feel important to others
- To have someone who will go the distance for you - whatever it
takes, they will put themselves on the line for you
- To believe and contribute to "something" bigger than yourself
When it comes to us and our relationships,
we have to ask ourselves: how far would I actually go to help that person, and
to be with them in their trials and tribulations? Can I give them my all? 100%?
Do I really have that love in me?
The answer is, yes, you do! But most of us
really don't know that it's there. If we haven't pushed ourselves, or demanded
it from ourselves, or unleashed it, then we haven't yet accessed that real,
deep, love that we actually feel towards our spouses and kids, and also towards
ourselves. That love is so very powerful. But most of us haven’t got anywhere
near harnessing it properly, yet.
So instead, we get caught up in our heads,
trying to work out and strategise 'what to do' about specific people,
situations or problems. We forget that we love these people, and that our love
for them is so powerful, it can push through anything. But before we can
harness our love, we first have to be connected to it. Only once we connect to
it, can we share it with our spouses, kids, colleagues, friends, neighbours,
ourselves, and also G-d.
Love is the power that will bring Moshiach.
Love is Hashem Himself. Love is Hashem's greatest midda, or character
trait. Hashem loves everyone and everything He created, and His love is perfect
and unlimited.
Of course, we're not Hashem! We are human
and limited, and our love has flaws and limitations and biases. But we can
still aspire to emulate Hashem to the best of our abilities. In fact, that 's
the purpose of our life - to emulate G-d and perfect our character. We have to
strive to live by the spiritual values that will prepare us and groom us to be
able to make the right choices.
With Blessings,
Dr. Zev Ballen
