Emuna Therapy

Rabbi Twerski and the Vatican

By Dr. Zev Ballen

Rabbi Doctor Abraham Twerski, M.D., is known for his pioneering work with alcohol and drug addiction. Once there was Catholic priest who came to Rabbi Twerski to treat his alcoholism. The priest gave Rabbi Twersky an example of why so many of his fellow clergyman are struggling with alcohol addiction. He said that when the Christian person comes for confession he drinks a cup of wine. Then, after the confession, he leaves the remaining bottle of wine with the priest.

Rabbi Twerski told the priest that Rabbi Moshe Feinstein ruled that they could use grape juice instead of wine. The priest liked the idea but said he would need to check it out with the Bishop.The Bishop then asked the Cardinal until eventually the question came before the Vatican.

Sure enough the Vatican decided to follow the psak halacha (the legal ruling) of Rabbi Moshe Feinstein.

All people have sparks of Hashem's Holiness in them. Rav Berland said recently, it is our mission to awaken and ignite those sparks of Holiness wherever it's possible to do so.  This, says Rav Berland, is the correct way of bringing the Messiah and world peace.

In this case, we see clearly how well the Torah can work for everybody.

Wishing You Blessings Always,

Dr. Zev Ballen

 

What Hurts Daddy?

By Dr. Zev Ballen

“I HATE CIGARETTES!”

That’s just about as subtle as I can be on the subject.

So of course, when my wife found a cigarette in our teenage son’s room, I felt justified in acting like an idiot.

After all:

I know the health statistics; he doesn’t.
I saw people die from smoking ; he didn’t.
I led private and corporate smoking cessation seminars ; he didn’t.
I was exposed to a western anti-smoking media blitz; he wasn’t.

So I planned a strategy that would be full proof; a zealous crusade to save my dear son. I didn’t know it yet, but my zealotry was nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to manipulate my son into being the person that I want him to be.

Starting before he left for Yeshiva in the morning (6:30am) and from the moment he returned at night (9:15pm), I began to bombard him with all of the mortality statistics, anti-smoking pictures and frightening stories that I could find. He literally got up and went to sleep with me in his face; ranting and raving about the evil habit and the peers who had influenced him to smoke in the first place.

To my utter amazement, he still wouldn’t stop.

I was incredulous… beyond rage. How ironic, that despite having worked with hundreds if not a thousand smokers, I was failing so miserably with my own son. I agonized further:

“Why didn’t he come to me…now he was hooked..…I thought we had a great relationship… why didn’t he let me help him.”

My mind raced: “if he’ll defy me to smoke, what else will he defy me to do?”

Lucky for him I’m not a single parent. My wife and I sat down. She said: “You know you’re going to have to back off. You’re only making things worse with your tirades. Zev, you know he’s a great kid. So he’s smoking a little.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. My blood pressure surged. “So he’s smoking a little?” I repeated back (raising the volume a bit).

“Look Zev. He is going to stop, but not because you demand him too. We’re in Israel now. It’s just a fact that he sees a lot of his friends smoking. As long as you stay angry at him you can forget about having any part in the solution. Do me a favor and from now on, just stay out of it. Leave it to me!”

I knew that she was right. I (the big smoking expert) was nothing but an impediment.

So I kept my mouth shut and he stopped the next day!

Shabbos came, and I started to calm down. But I was still uneasy about the way that I had behaved. I went outside to check-in with Hashem:

“Hashem, what happened here? It was so out-of-character for my son to smoke cigarettes. I must have done something to displease You. Please help me to see what’s going on. I know that You were telling me something, but the sound of my own will, once again drowned out Your message. I’m sorry. Show me, please, what I need to learn from this.”

I walked back home feeling better. Coming into the living room, I saw my son sitting on the couch. He’s 16.

Smiling warmly, he said “Tatti (father) can we talk?”

Humbled but relieved I said: “sure.”

“Did mommy tell you that I stopped smoking?”

“Yes, she did.”

“And do you know why I stopped Tatti (father).”

“No I don’t.”

“I didn’t want to smoke in the first place, but once I started, it was hard to stop. Half my class smokes. I only had two or three a day. I really did try to stop but I couldn’t.”

“That’s ok, I understand.”

“But if it’s so hard to stop smoking how can you be sure that you’re finished with them now?”

“Tatti (father), now that you’re not so angry, I’m sure I can stop, because I see how much it hurts you for me to smoke.”

“I’m sorry, for the way that I handled this too, son. I want you to know how much nachas (loving pride) I get from you. I thank Hashem every day for giving me a son like you.”

As time went by, I realized that my concern about what others thought about ME having a kid who smokes was at least equal to or greater than my concern about his health. It didn’t fit into my image of the Torah Scholar that I want my son to be or the type of shidduch (marriage) I hope for him to get.

I now see that my fears (which were unfounded) were also quite selfish. Perhaps all fears are selfish because they lead to a preoccupation with ME, ME, ME. It would be much better, next time, if I could focus, as my wife did, on my son’s needs and on serving Hashem.

Thank G-d I finally got the message.

Since my pride was my stumbling block, here, I hope that my writing about it openly will be pleasing to Hashem.

When I asked my son for his permission to print our story, he asked me:

“Tatti (father) will this help other father’s to treat their son’s better?”

“I sure hope it will, son.”

Amen.

The Old Neighborhood

My friend has a son who he loves dearly. From the moment of his birth, my friend has loved and sheltered his child from harmful influences. When the boy was about ten, my friend moved his family to an ultra-orthodox neighborhood, and further insulated his son from the world-at-large. One day, Alan told his father that he wanted to go back to the old neighborhood to visit his childhood friends. His father was against it, but Alan was determined to go. Alan left his father to explore his roots. He missed his old friends and was curious about the life that his parents had led before he was born. 

My friend knew that Hashem was leading his son in this way, so he turned to Hashem with tears saying: "Hashem, I know that it's You who is taking my child to that place where You Yourself won't dwell! - and I know that I can't stop You, though I wish that I could.

  

You are testing me, Hashem, and You are testing my son too. So I'm begging You, G-d of Mercy - return my precious child to me at once!" 

The boy arrived at the Los Angeles airport and his uncle picked him up. Alan's uncle immediately lavished him with attention. He took him straight to the shopping mall and bought him expensive gifts. When they got home, Alan prayed the mincha service and unpacked some of his food from Israel. "Why do you have to eat that food?" asked the uncle. "And why do you have to pray three times a day? Do you really think that G-d cares about these things?" "Of course He cares", Alan answered. "I'm doing these things for Him." "Oh that's ridicules, said the Uncle, you've been brainwashed. There's so much in life that you're missing. Your parents haven't educated you properly. But I'll take you out and show you how to have fun. I want you to enjoy your stay with me. Now is the time to expand your horizons, Alan. We'll go horseback riding and then I'll take you to a club where they have music that you'll really love." Then he took the boy to his room and said: "Douglas is away, you can stay in his room, Alan. There's a computer in it. I know that teenagers can't be without a computer. You'll have complete privacy to do whatever you want here." Alan closed the door and felt a deep sadness. He never felt more alone in his life.

As he looked up at the computer, Alan's heart froze. He understood the new "privilege" he had been given...Continue reading here.

 Blessings Aways,

Dr. Zev Ballen

 

A New Bill: Only Filtered Internet

Dear Friends,

   

A new Bill was submitted for Knesset approval which would force internet suppliers in Israel to supply only filtered internet to the public without open access to pornography. People who would like to have un-filtered internet would have to request to have it open.

We all know how pornography is destroying society. The average age of exposure to online pornography is 11. The largest group of internet porn viewers is youth between the ages 12 to 17.

If this bill passes, it can accomplish much more than the big internet Assifa in Citi-Field last week. It will automatically give filtered internet to millions of Jews, both religious and non-religious. We must do all we can!

Please add you name to our petition to help pass this bill.

Please sign at:  http://www.atzuma.co.il/safekids

Just enter your name at the top right hand corner and e-mail (optional).

Please forward to all your contacts!

G-d Bless,

Dr. Zev Ballen

Dear Nachlaot

by Dr. Zev Ballen

There is an on-going crisis in the once quiet community of Nachlaot. The residents of this Jerusalem community were recently shocked to discover that hidden amongst their trusted neighbors -- was an organized band of child-molesters who have been praying on their children.

In more than three decades of clinical practice as a psychotherapist, I worked with approximately 1000 people who suffered some type of abuse -- mostly sexual. Hashem decreed that I spend these decades of my life wandering hopelessly in the midbar (the wasteland) of psychotherapeutic heresy - so that I could expose the truth about it now; and lead those, who still care about their souls, to something infinitely better - the teachings of my Rebbe - Rabbi Shalom Arush who I trust with my life and the lives of my children. You should recoil from secular treatments for child sexual abuse like you would recoil from a blazing inferno.

Dear Parents of Nachlaot,

The following is the message of hope that I think that Rabbi Shalom Arush would want you to have now: Read more right here...

Sexual Promiscuity and Suicide

by Dr. Zev Ballen

One million people killed themselves, this year, with weapons, poisoning or jumping from high places. By the year 2020 it is predicted that this number will rise to a million and a half deaths per year. That’s not just a statistic - its millions and millions of tragic deaths – about 1 every 40 seconds. What’s more, between 10 and 20 million people are trying to kill themselves every year but haven’t succeeded yet. That’s far more death than we are losing to war. Can you calculate the amount of pain and anguish there is in the world? We’re being flooded by a tidal wave of depression and mental torment that is beyond our ability to absorb, comprehend and stop. Why? What’s causing all of this?  Keep reading...

Wishing you Blessings Always,

Dr. Zev Ballen

The Criminal Cover-Up

By Dr. Zev Ballen

Six years ago I got a call from a Rabbi who wanted me do psychotherapy with his nephew who was charged with molesting six of his own children. The Rabbi told me that the family court and the Bais Din (Jewish Court) both agreed that his nephew be separated from his family, attend therapy and refrain from visiting his children. I met with the man, but he denied the charges against him and saw no reason to come for therapy. It did not take long to see that not only would he not be compliant with treatment, but he was continuing to see his children in violation of both court orders.

 On another occasion, I saw a 14 year old developmentally disabled girl from a large religious sect. The case had been brought to the Jewish court by the principal of the special school where she attended. The school social worker said that the girl's mood had become agitated and depressed; and that she was especially frightened to get on the bus at the end of the school day and go home. Her developmental challenges prevented her from verbalizing her feelings, but her drawings spoke even louder than words: she drew about her terror and rage in the context of explicit sexual content that was neither age-appropriate or culturally appropriate - especially considering her strictly insulated background. After a few sessions, the girl's father confessed that he was indeed living with his daughter as though she were his wife and felt that he had every right to do so. The father's claim to his daughter was in fact so strong that he threatened to board a plane to Israel with his daughter if anyone would interfere with his situation at home. See the full article right here.

With Blessings Always,

Dr. Zev Ballen

Cybersex Tsunami

By Dr. Zev Ballen

Dr. Patrick Carnes, PhD, is an internationally noted psychologist, researcher and author in the area of addictions and recovery - especially sexual addiction which he has been studying for the past 30 years. Carnes’ research findings are alarming to say the least: two thirds of kids in Junior High School are watching pornography online while doing their homework and 34% of these children will become addicted. Carnes further states that a combined research study of 100 University studies asked the question of college students: when did they begin to look at internet pornography? The answer - most of them began looking before the age of 10 years old. If this is true, and I think it is – get ready – we have a tsunami coming! What can we do to stop it? See the full article at: Cybersex Tsunami.

With Blessings Always,

Dr. Zev Ballen