In
my work as a psychotherapist, I've met people who made millions of
dollars, and I honestly can't think of one who is really happy. How many
people do we all know who think that a lottery win is going to solve
all of their problems? But when they did a study on big lottery winners,
they found that most of the time, the 'big win' just buried the 'lucky
winners' under a pile of emotional, and even financial, problems. They
didn't pray for the money and as a result, it didn't come with a
blessing. They had just as many problems as before, maybe even more.
Earning happiness
This brings us to a very
important point, that people need to work, earn, and sweat a bit to get
vitality and a delicious feeling from their accomplishments. And 'work'
isn't only what we do in the office from 9 to 5. Primarily, it's the
work that we all need to do on ourselves, to create the spiritual
vessels we need to hold all the abundance that G-d wants to give us. And
we can only do this key, spiritual work if we are using the right tools
and methodology for the job, that's being transmitted to us straight
from our Sages.
Secular psychology has some
great methodology, but by itself, that's not enough. Apart from all the
physical tangibles and status symbols, we also need to know what to
focus on in our lives to be really successful and fulfilled, and that
wisdom we can only get from our Torah sages. Oftentimes, the things our
rabbis will tell us to focus on are exactly those things that many of us
sacrifice in our pursuit of financial or career success. Things like
enjoying our lives and living passionately; or having a good, solid,
loving relationship with our spouse; or being
a good parent - all these things can be dropped by the wayside, in our
mad dash after bigger homes, bigger bank accounts and fancier vacations
than the neighbors.
Who do we want to be successful for?
Really, we can sum up the formula for success and fulfillment in one sentence: who do we want to be successful for?
One hard and fast rule that
emerged from dealing with all these 'successful' people is that none of
them felt fulfilled when they were only working for their own success
and gratification. I'm not talking about lazy people here, or people who
achieved their wealth the easy way, via a lottery win or windfall.
These people put in an awful lot of effort; they slogged away for long
days and nights of hard work, and they were super-organized and very
efficient. Even so, if they were only working for their own
self-aggrandizement, honor or wealth, they still didn't feel fulfilled,
even when they reached and even surpassed the financial or career
milestones they'd set for themselves.
In some cases, not only did
they not feel fulfilled, they even felt more sad and broken than when
they'd started out. Here they were, they'd reached the peak of success
and they still didn't feel so great. So then, they'd fall into
depression and start asking themselves what was the point of it all?
What else was there to live for? What was left to strive for, or to
achieve?
Tony Robbins is a very
popular, successful and famous motivational speaker. He once said that
he was in the middle of giving one of his motivational seminars, when
during a break, his stock broker called him and told him that his
investments had just made him $400 million. That's a tremendous amount
of money, more than most of us could ever hope to make in a lifetime.
Robbins said that it felt good to hear that he made so much money but
not as good as you might expect. He said that what was really giving him
a lift was being at his seminar, and seeing how he was inspiring and
helping other people. He went home that night, and he explains that his
marriage was going through a very rough time. When he and his wife got
into yet another conflict, he explained, all the remaining good feeling
from the $400 million practically evaporated.
Money, even a lot of it, is
not the panacea for happiness and fulfillment that so many of us
believe it to be. So if money is not going to make us fulfilled, what
is?
Looking for more good reading? Here's my prescription for this week:
Jealousy and Sibling Rivalry - By Rabbi Shalom Arush
G-d of Rebbe Meir, Answer Me! - By Tal Rotem
It's Not What We See - By Rabbi Lazer Brody
Can't Buy You Love - By Dovber HaLevi
Reversing Low Self-Esteem - By Rivka Levy
The Secret of Joy - By Racheli Reckles
The Main Course - By Tal Rotem
Rashbi's Passing - By Rabbi Moshe Miller
America Tomorrow - By Howard Morton
The Shabbat of History - By Rabbi David Charlop
Remember - Live Strong, Live with Emuna!
Dr. Zev Ballen
